Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
