I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
