i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
