Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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