If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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