Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
