I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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