oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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