I need to stop coming to work sober
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
