you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
