everyone is single if you try hard enough
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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