i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize