i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize