I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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