I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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