Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
