You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
