What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
