Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
We named our party play list daddy issues
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
So many bounce houses so little time
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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