My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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