just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
