WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
