Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
