i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
pray to the hookup gods
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
