Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize