does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
