if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
