I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Everything about him screamed your future.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
