We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
