Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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