We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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