She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
