when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
