mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Randomize
