just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I need a beard to bite.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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