I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize