I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
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