I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
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