meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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