Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
