I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
