Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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