Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
