the new term for farting is butt boxing.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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