I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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