I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
