my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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