life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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