I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
