I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize