Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
