How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
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