i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I booty called her while she was in labor.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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