You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
