I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
