im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
