Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
