Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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