Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
