Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
