You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
