We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
