Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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